All a jumble

Both my brain and this house are all a jumble.  About a week ago, while looking for possible jobs, my husband found a job listing that he thought fit me perfectly.  I scared me to death.  I know that I have a degree and all, but for some reason I thought that if I needed to get a job (which I do) it would be a simple, low-paying, part-time job.  We had been looking at a few like that when he saw this job... a teaching job...at the university here in town. 

At first glance I informed him that there was no possible way I could fit the job description and flung the idea out of my mind.  He persisted and showed me all the ways I could be a good fit and then he left for the week to help my dad with the cows.  He was right, they weren't looking for someone with tons of teaching credentials, but rather someone that knows their way around a horse and has a degree that fits.  I do have both of those credentials, so I started to actually think about it and I decided to give it a try.  Now this wasn't just a simple resume and reference application.  I had to write a cover letter exciting enough to make them want to read further, a curriculum vitae, which I had never heard of before, references, which is tough when you have worked with family most of your life, and a statement of my teaching philosophy, hmmm. 

I spent the last week digging through my rusty memory, trying to remember every horse related experience I've ever had and put them down on paper in a readable and nice looking way.  My last English class was about a decade ago and those wheels were a bit rusty.  By the time I actually finished grinding out all of those lovely papers, my brain was absolutely exhausted, like to the point of shutting down.  That was yesterday.  I attached those files to my online application (about 20 times because it just wouldn't work properly for me) and collapsed in a heap, outside, face down in the un-mowed grass and there I stayed for a very long time.  It's amazing what sunshine and fresh air can do for a person.  Then, I came inside to unwind while reading some blogs and there weren't any!  Well, nothing new, anyway and no reading list to help me get anywhere.  I had no idea I was so attached to the blog world until yesterday.

I woke up this morning feeling completely hung over.  I even had to wear sunglasses inside to keep my head from exploding.  And then I saw the house, or what was left of it.  A neighbor boy came inside today and exclaimed loudly that my kitchen was a mess. (he's always loud, even when he's quiet)  If it's messy for a messy boy, it must be really messy.  Then I tried to feed the kids and there was nothing in the fridge.  They ate hot dogs twice today with leftover macaroni and cheese and the dregs of the lettuce.  There is no bread, but there are a few crumbs of tortilla.  All we have left in the fridge is onion and some cucumber and a little cheese.

I'm embarrassed of myself.  Embarrassed that I let things go so easily and embarrassed that I've let my brain get so rusty.  And then I felt fear.  I just put myself out there, quite possibly to be rejected.  But it wasn't only the fear of being rejected, but also the fear of being accepted.  I have this terrible fear of looking like an idiot, which I should really get over since I spend a lot of time looking like an idiot.  What if I wear mismatching shoes to the interview?  What if they decided they want to hire me and then I fail completely at the job?  What if, what if...

So to get control over myself and my life, I am making a list of what I will do tomorrow...  I need my sleep tonight.
-find the kitchen (this includes washing and putting away dishes)
-bake bread
-wash and put away laundry
-vacuum (which also includes picking things up off the floor and putting them away)
-go through baby's clothes and weed out the stuff left in there from a year ago
-go to farmer's market for salad and seedlings
-make a real, honest to goodness, meal
-enjoy the sunshine


It feels good to have a plan.  It feels good to have stretched myself a bit, too, even if it was painful.